I hope this cool, breezy weather quiets my mind a little. I feel like the last several months, my brain has been scattered all across the universe, not really able to focus on one thing long enough to accomplish it. Finally, last week, I felt productive at home. I felt more on the ball than I have in awhile. I'm trying to center my motivation and focus on one task at a time, but plan for many tasks that I want to get done. Forever now, I've been saying the same things: I want to become a better runner and enter some 5K's, I want to keep up with my housework, I want to be more physically fit in general and hone in on some self discipline, I want to cook more, I want to study for and take the CCRN, I want to become a better and more intelligent nurse, I want to do the clinical ladder, I want to start volunteering somewhere, I want to pick up hours at work (so I can go on a shopping spree!), I want to read more books.... etc. Some of these definitely have more precedence than the others, but the only thing standing in between me and these goals, is ME! It's like I think about them so much that I don't get any of them done-- or I convince myself there is not enough time. I do believe there is enough time; look at all the people that have families where the parents are going to school and doing extracurriculars at work. They are somehow managing. I'm always preaching to live in the moment, but I think I so often strain over the future that time flies by me while I'm stressing away. Not to mention, half the time I worry over some very inconsequential people and circumstances. No need to waste my time on these "expendables." Not trying to sound insensitive or hateful, I just know that most of us have these worthless little demons that we shouldn't give the time of day.
... Maybe that will be my salvation... Blame my scatter-smatter-brainedness on the crazy humidity of summer... or the post-wedding bliss/stress. This has most definitely been a whirlwind year for my husband and I, but it's time for me to stop using that as my crutch. Time to step up to the plate and do a lot more living, and maybe a little less stressing-thinking. I'm just ready to change this paradigm... not talk about it or think about it anymore, just actually do it.. because these are really actually things I want to do for my benefit and fulfillment... not because I "have to."
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Responsibility to ourselves and our future
We've all heard this line before: "I just don't feel like I fit in here." Well, that's how I view this Cincinnati area. It seems to be a dull race to have kids and to "let yourself go." I don't mean this on solely the physical appearance level either. It seems that everyone wants to focus on a relationship or a child before dealing with herself-- until it's usually too late. Maybe this is my own skewed personal perception of this area. However, I see so many professional females only aspiring to a marriage and a minivan, complacent with their role in the work place. I come across only a small handful of women who are ambitious and rigorous in their quest for a well-rounded lifestyle.
Maybe I've been reading my magazines too much, but it seems like there are women out there [somewhere] who want to cultivate themselves-- to be fit, healthy, successful, fashionable, and who may or may not be dating. What's with the baby rush? The economy is forboding, let alone, children are so expensive anyway. Why not wait until your 30s to have children? Yeah, there's always that nagging biological clock, but still-- is it not just as important that you are able to truly provide for your child while retaining a sense of personal fulfillment??
I guess it's just a difference of goals. I want to be known as ambitious and glamourous, not as a frumpy mom who settled into a permanent career at 26. I don't mean to be the least cruel when I say that. I feel that I am being totally honest. I see some women use children as excuses to be lazy with themselves. (If this does not apply to you, then do not take offense). Not that rearing children or maintaining a household is in the least bit easy. I know. I do have a house and a dog who thinks he's human (but yes, i realize he is still a dog and eons different than a child). But what about YOUR dreams, Mrs? Why did you give up on yourself and what you wanted? I don't care how intellectual or involved in your children you may claim to be, but everyone cares about their personal appearance. Everyone wants to feel attractive and good about themselves. Do you really know anyone without a mirror in her house???
I definitely don't want to be misinterpreted here. I love children, i think families are wonderful. I pray to someday be blessed with children myself. I just wish I could reach out to younger females especially and encourage them to take their time- to figure out who they are first and foremost. To establish themselves, to define their roles in life. To travel, to pursure their hobbies... And, then, bring a child into this more balanced, well-rounded lifestyle. I suppose this is solely my personal opinion and my idea of utopia. I also hear the people that say that no time is perfect to have a child. And, hey, maybe that is the beauty of the circle of life. You must evolve with the things that are sometimes unexpected or unplanned.
Either way, I guess my point is that I just want to see more happy, fulfilled mothers out there... maybe I'm searching for more role model mothers that fit my personal ideal of the type of mother I want to be. And I also want to see younger women giving themselves the chance to live life a little before they try to give life to another. Turn off the teenage pregnancy shows. It upsets me that this is "entertainment" or "reality." Giving birth to a child is one of the most precious and awesome gifts one could possibly receive in this lifetime... I could never be so cavalier about giving life without knowing myself more, so that I may give the best of me to that child.
Maybe I've been reading my magazines too much, but it seems like there are women out there [somewhere] who want to cultivate themselves-- to be fit, healthy, successful, fashionable, and who may or may not be dating. What's with the baby rush? The economy is forboding, let alone, children are so expensive anyway. Why not wait until your 30s to have children? Yeah, there's always that nagging biological clock, but still-- is it not just as important that you are able to truly provide for your child while retaining a sense of personal fulfillment??
I guess it's just a difference of goals. I want to be known as ambitious and glamourous, not as a frumpy mom who settled into a permanent career at 26. I don't mean to be the least cruel when I say that. I feel that I am being totally honest. I see some women use children as excuses to be lazy with themselves. (If this does not apply to you, then do not take offense). Not that rearing children or maintaining a household is in the least bit easy. I know. I do have a house and a dog who thinks he's human (but yes, i realize he is still a dog and eons different than a child). But what about YOUR dreams, Mrs? Why did you give up on yourself and what you wanted? I don't care how intellectual or involved in your children you may claim to be, but everyone cares about their personal appearance. Everyone wants to feel attractive and good about themselves. Do you really know anyone without a mirror in her house???
I definitely don't want to be misinterpreted here. I love children, i think families are wonderful. I pray to someday be blessed with children myself. I just wish I could reach out to younger females especially and encourage them to take their time- to figure out who they are first and foremost. To establish themselves, to define their roles in life. To travel, to pursure their hobbies... And, then, bring a child into this more balanced, well-rounded lifestyle. I suppose this is solely my personal opinion and my idea of utopia. I also hear the people that say that no time is perfect to have a child. And, hey, maybe that is the beauty of the circle of life. You must evolve with the things that are sometimes unexpected or unplanned.
Either way, I guess my point is that I just want to see more happy, fulfilled mothers out there... maybe I'm searching for more role model mothers that fit my personal ideal of the type of mother I want to be. And I also want to see younger women giving themselves the chance to live life a little before they try to give life to another. Turn off the teenage pregnancy shows. It upsets me that this is "entertainment" or "reality." Giving birth to a child is one of the most precious and awesome gifts one could possibly receive in this lifetime... I could never be so cavalier about giving life without knowing myself more, so that I may give the best of me to that child.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Perfect Wedding
Elation. When I think about my wedding day, that is the feeling I get. It was perfect. It was something abstractly planned via phone calls, emails, and web searches. You can only hope it goes right. And at some point you have to just let go. I did. And I'm so proud that I did. I let the day unfold for itself, and it was a work of art. So much joy and happiness. Relaxed. Smooth. I felt beautiful; I felt like I was in my own personal fairytale. Every girl/woman dreams of her wedding day being just this.
I couldn't have been happier. That day was an instant fond memory for me. I wish I could re-live it. It was simple in its own way, but I love that it was laid back. We all intermingled before the actual wedding (yes, even the groom and myself), which helped calm some nerves. I didn't want to be this hidden surprise all day long, waiting for this overwhelming catharsis. I wanted to be able to be present in the moments that we were being married, not all butterflies and nerves. Again, each woman has her own idea of what she wants, but I wanted a certain relaxed atmosphere. After all, we were all friends and family, and our friends who had just met each other became instant friends. Thus, no need for fuss (or pomp and circumstance). It was intimate and lovely. The weather could not have been more beautiful. It was a golden sunset with clear blue skies. It was warm with a perfectly light breeze. Perfection. The Juno Garden where we were married was so much more elegant looking in person than the pictures even depicted. Not at all reminiscent of a cheesy chapel wedding that is most often associated with Vegas. It was a destination wedding with elegance and style. The garden itelf was green and lush against the cream and ivory stone gazebo and benches. No need to spend thousands on piddly details (sorry, i love details but weddings are the highway robbery of piddly details) to decorate an area where many people may only casually glance at the flowers, etc. To prove my point, with every wedding I've attended, I can barely summon to mind any of the arrangements or decorations. Thus, we just opted for a naturally lovely garden to wed. (Again a lot of this is personal preference and opinion, and is said with respect and understanding that everyone has their own dream wedding in mind).
The energy of Las Vegas is amazing. I know for a lot of people, Vegas is "been there, done that." However, it was my first trip there, and I could feel the electricity in the air and everyone happily feasting on it. After all, everyone comes to Vegas for a good time... There was so much visual stimulation there, and I loved how even Caesar's had its own alluring scent throughout the hotel. I am so glad I picked this location. It fit Brian and I perfectly. We both are very social creatures and love city life, night life, dining out, fashion, etc... Vegas is certainly the culmination of all of this. My wedding day was certainly no ordinary Saturday in Cincinnati. It will forever stick out in my mind as this perfect time when we were able to more or less transplant 25 of our good friends and family to a completely different place, and to share our wedding with them. (I'm already plotting and planning when and how we could conceivably pull off another "forced destination family/friend gathering.") I hope that everyone that went out there could agree, that this mini vacation fulfilled some personal aspect of their lives. After all, if nothing else, at least it got us all out of dreary, cold Cinci for a few days. And I most certainly am deeply grateful to each person that took the time and money to come out with us.
All I know is, I wanna go back and soak every moment of it up again. I couldn't ask for a more perfect person to spend my life with than Brian. We complete each other so well, it still amazes me sometimes. And I adore his family; what wonderful people! I am so lucky to have such awesome in-laws. I swear Brian and his family are this superior species of kind and generous people. They could make the most cynical person believe in others again.
I cannot say enough how humbled and blessed I am that such a breath-takingly perfect experience was given to me, and that out of it I am now married to a man that is so amazing and beautiful inside and out
I couldn't have been happier. That day was an instant fond memory for me. I wish I could re-live it. It was simple in its own way, but I love that it was laid back. We all intermingled before the actual wedding (yes, even the groom and myself), which helped calm some nerves. I didn't want to be this hidden surprise all day long, waiting for this overwhelming catharsis. I wanted to be able to be present in the moments that we were being married, not all butterflies and nerves. Again, each woman has her own idea of what she wants, but I wanted a certain relaxed atmosphere. After all, we were all friends and family, and our friends who had just met each other became instant friends. Thus, no need for fuss (or pomp and circumstance). It was intimate and lovely. The weather could not have been more beautiful. It was a golden sunset with clear blue skies. It was warm with a perfectly light breeze. Perfection. The Juno Garden where we were married was so much more elegant looking in person than the pictures even depicted. Not at all reminiscent of a cheesy chapel wedding that is most often associated with Vegas. It was a destination wedding with elegance and style. The garden itelf was green and lush against the cream and ivory stone gazebo and benches. No need to spend thousands on piddly details (sorry, i love details but weddings are the highway robbery of piddly details) to decorate an area where many people may only casually glance at the flowers, etc. To prove my point, with every wedding I've attended, I can barely summon to mind any of the arrangements or decorations. Thus, we just opted for a naturally lovely garden to wed. (Again a lot of this is personal preference and opinion, and is said with respect and understanding that everyone has their own dream wedding in mind).
The energy of Las Vegas is amazing. I know for a lot of people, Vegas is "been there, done that." However, it was my first trip there, and I could feel the electricity in the air and everyone happily feasting on it. After all, everyone comes to Vegas for a good time... There was so much visual stimulation there, and I loved how even Caesar's had its own alluring scent throughout the hotel. I am so glad I picked this location. It fit Brian and I perfectly. We both are very social creatures and love city life, night life, dining out, fashion, etc... Vegas is certainly the culmination of all of this. My wedding day was certainly no ordinary Saturday in Cincinnati. It will forever stick out in my mind as this perfect time when we were able to more or less transplant 25 of our good friends and family to a completely different place, and to share our wedding with them. (I'm already plotting and planning when and how we could conceivably pull off another "forced destination family/friend gathering.") I hope that everyone that went out there could agree, that this mini vacation fulfilled some personal aspect of their lives. After all, if nothing else, at least it got us all out of dreary, cold Cinci for a few days. And I most certainly am deeply grateful to each person that took the time and money to come out with us.
All I know is, I wanna go back and soak every moment of it up again. I couldn't ask for a more perfect person to spend my life with than Brian. We complete each other so well, it still amazes me sometimes. And I adore his family; what wonderful people! I am so lucky to have such awesome in-laws. I swear Brian and his family are this superior species of kind and generous people. They could make the most cynical person believe in others again.
I cannot say enough how humbled and blessed I am that such a breath-takingly perfect experience was given to me, and that out of it I am now married to a man that is so amazing and beautiful inside and out
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Heart on my Sleeve
The art of keeping a secret. Is that an art? For me, who has a constantly burning tongue, wishing to release information, secret-keeping is an art. The words pour out, unfettered. I meekly and freely share with others, expecting only good can come from such vulnerable honesty. Then I realize that I have no personal life. Everyone already knows everything there is to know about me. I have no hidden treasures; I have my foot in my mouth. Venting and sharing does not bring that much satisfaction that I can leave no reserve for myself- no piece for later, nothing held back. Why do I burst at the seams to tell acquaintances what I should save for family and friends? Offering up unnecessary gossip to the starving wolves? Some people may consider this openness childlike and naive, but most probably consider it somewhat shameful, or even inappropriate. If secrets were weighed in gold, I'd be a beggar. Even the deep dark secrets of my past, more than a handful of close friends know. This is too many...
How do I learn to keep my mouth shut and spare idle spectators of my private life? Growing up, my mom said something to me to the effect of "save your pearls." She meant for me to keep precious information to myself. Something I haven't learned yet.
If certain people knew some of the things I've so easily disclosed, they would probably feel as though I threw them under the proverbial bus. My mouth runs and runs like a river; the water cannot be contained, not even by a dam. It'll find its way through.
Maybe silence is really the art I need to practice. I'm a good listener for sure; but definitely an even better talker. Get me plenty of wine and I'll not only spill, I'll fixate. I'll repeat myself like a broken record. If you haven't heard it the first 3 or 4 times, I'll say it a few times more. In this case at least, it is usually about completely innane things. I save my secret spilling for when I'm sober.
If I were in a tragedy, this surely would be my tragic flaw. And the irony is, this is my first blog. Complete strangers can now know what's on my mind. Give me a voice, or give me death! I suppose that is my rally cry against myself. Maybe my definition of silence is no audio; the printed word does not count? For now...
Until I can learn to keep my mouth and fingers quiet altogether, though, I hope I can provide a speck of entertainment or relatability to a few of you out there.
How do I learn to keep my mouth shut and spare idle spectators of my private life? Growing up, my mom said something to me to the effect of "save your pearls." She meant for me to keep precious information to myself. Something I haven't learned yet.
If certain people knew some of the things I've so easily disclosed, they would probably feel as though I threw them under the proverbial bus. My mouth runs and runs like a river; the water cannot be contained, not even by a dam. It'll find its way through.
Maybe silence is really the art I need to practice. I'm a good listener for sure; but definitely an even better talker. Get me plenty of wine and I'll not only spill, I'll fixate. I'll repeat myself like a broken record. If you haven't heard it the first 3 or 4 times, I'll say it a few times more. In this case at least, it is usually about completely innane things. I save my secret spilling for when I'm sober.
If I were in a tragedy, this surely would be my tragic flaw. And the irony is, this is my first blog. Complete strangers can now know what's on my mind. Give me a voice, or give me death! I suppose that is my rally cry against myself. Maybe my definition of silence is no audio; the printed word does not count? For now...
Until I can learn to keep my mouth and fingers quiet altogether, though, I hope I can provide a speck of entertainment or relatability to a few of you out there.
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